Who Gets the China?

I am so very excited to share this special guest recording from Butterfly Days podcast hosted by Tami Jorden. You are seriously going to love it and learn so much!
Tami brings a special perspective and an honest and insightful approach to asking questions. Her podcast explores a wide range of issues, opportunities and challenges facing Gen X and Gen Jones women. 
She invited me on her Butterfly Days podcast to share insights about navigating life with aging parents - and saving your sanity while you're at it. I love being asked challenging and thoughtful questions - and Tami does just that. I encourage you to follow Butterfly Days and share it with a friend. You will learn so much on so many topics!
From Butterfly Days 🦋:  
Your group chats are blowing up about aging parents. The house full of stuff. The car keys. The "maybe we need some help at home" conversation nobody wants to start. In this episode of Butterfly Days, I sit down with Kirsten Mau, founder and creator of Who Gets the China?, dedicated to helping sandwich generation women save their sanity while navigating life with aging parents, especially downsizing the stuff. 
Kirsten and I talk about starting from what your parents want to keep, getting buy-in before you touch a single closet, selling in-home help as a gift, the dreaded car keys conversation, and how to stay on top of it all when you live half a country away. Some of what she shares is just gold, and you're probably going to want to share it with friends.
Connect with Butterfly Days 
🦋 Subscribe to Tami Jorden's Substack, visit her website, and follow her on LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTube & Instagram🦋
🦋 Connect with Who Gets the China?
Substack: https://whogetsthechina.substack.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kirstenmau/
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/who-gets-the-china/id1823264326
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7h3w2YWQyhMxwFIeiBH2BN
Episode Details
Meet Kirsten Mau 🦋
Kirsten Mau is the founder and creator of Who Gets the China?, a podcast, Substack, and website helping women of the sandwich generation navigate life with aging parents. A communications expert with years of experience building brands and organizations, Kirsten now puts those skills to work for the rest of us. She serves on the Colorado Commission on Aging and is part of multiple advocacy groups focused on aging well.
Like so many of us, Kirsten came to this work through her own family. During the pandemic, she started to reckon with the sheer volume of stuff in her mom's house, and with a bigger question underneath it: how do we care for our parents, honor their stories, and still live our own lives?
It Started with Carbon Paper 🦋
Kirsten found carbon paper in her mom's office. Her mom moved from Connecticut to California 25 years ago and had almost certainly not used carbon paper in the 25 years before that either. It's a small, lightweight thing. But it's a symbol of what so many of us are uncovering in our parents' homes.
Here's what Kirsten realized: the stuff doesn't mean anything without the stories, the connections, and the history behind it. So instead of a purge, she reframed the project as a chance to connect with her mom. And she needed one word to describe why she started all of this: stress reduction.
Start with What They Want to Keep 🦋
Kirsten's first paradigm shift is a complete flip. Don't ask "what can we get rid of?" Ask "what's important for you to have around you? What do you want to see when you wake up in the morning? What teacup do you want to use?" Start from a place of honor, appreciation, and value. Maybe you think those 20 year old slippers are ridiculous. She loves them. Respect that.
The second shift is asking permission. Do not walk into the garage and announce that everything must go. (Kirsten did. I've done my version too. We've all messed up before we even started.) Instead: "I think we should go through the frames in the front hall closet. Are you ready to do that?" Not ready? Fine. "When might you be ready?" You are putting the power back in their hands, and that buy-in changes everything.
Radical Acceptance 🦋
Sometimes you see the danger zone clearly and they are simply not ready to deal with it. Kirsten, a self-described type A eldest daughter, has had to learn radical acceptance the hard way. Right now for her family, it's the resistance to bringing a part-time caregiver into the house. Until it's a must, not a nice-to-have, she practices acceptance.
And let's be honest about why our parents resist. To admit you need help is to admit that you're aging, and that the aging is actively ongoing. That's a hidden loss inside the practical problem. Understanding that softens how we approach it.
"Would You Try This as a Gift to Me?" 🦋
When it's time to bring in help, Kirsten shares language that has actually moved the needle in her family: Mom, Dad, you're doing this for me, not for you. It will help me sleep better at night. Do you want me up worrying about you? I know you don't. Would you try this as a gift to me? And nothing is set in stone. If it doesn't work, we have another conversation.
She also shared the spoons theory. You only have so many spoons of energy in a day. Is doing the dishes a spoon that really matters to you? Or is getting to garden club the spoon that matters? Some help can take a spoon or two out of the drawer for you and free you up for what you actually love.
The Car Keys Conversation 🦋
It's probably not going to go smoothly. Let's be honest. But there are ways in. Talk about it early and in the abstract, before it's looming: "What do you think would be good benchmarks for us to look at?" Then, when the time comes, you can point back to that conversation.
A few more tools from Kirsten: driving occupational therapists and AAA driving assessments exist, and the frame is not "can you drive or can't you," it's "what can we do to keep you driving safely as long as possible." Email the doctor ahead of the appointment and ask them to bring it up. And when you visit, let your parents drive at least once. If you always take the wheel, you'll never know what's actually going on.
And here's what I said to my own dad when his vision was failing: I'm almost not as worried for you as I am for the person that could be hit. He stopped cold. Most of our parents would never want to hurt someone else. Sometimes that's the truth that slows their roll.
Caregiving from a Distance 🦋
If you don't live near your parents, Kirsten's advice is to build two villages. The human one: know the neighbors, get their phone numbers, get the numbers of the people who come to the house. When Kirsten's dad needed the emergency room and neither daughter was in town, the next door neighbor jumped in because they had laid that groundwork.
And the digital one: finagle your way into your parents' electronic health record. This is critical. A HIPAA disclosure form and a call to the doctor's office can get you your own view of test results, appointments, and alerts. Then, when you join an appointment, be quiet, listen, and take notes. You're there as their advocate and support, not their boss. Trust is everything.
Have the Conversation Before It's Loaded 🦋
In my updated death doula training on dementia support, the caregivers teaching us said they have yet to see someone come into care who wasn't at least two months past when they should have started. At least. Because the conversation is so hard, we wait until we no longer have the luxury of time.
Kirsten and I both know this: it is so much easier to talk about end-of-life wishes, care decisions, even what happens to the china, when it's not loaded. When it doesn't feel urgent. Kirsten has already told her 19 year old daughter she wants a green burial. Was it a weird conversation? Sure. But there was no emotional weight attached, and now it's known. Have the little snippets of conversation now. Write the names on the backs of the photographs now.
The Baller Move Is Asking for Help 🦋
We are the "I can do this myself" generation. But as Kirsten says, the baller move is asking for help. It's not good for you, your family, or your parents when you white-knuckle this alone. And remember: you are laying the foundation and the programming for your own children. If your kids watch you give up your whole life to caregiving, that's the lesson plan they inherit. Fill your own cup. Show them a better way. That's what this whole conversation is really about: living your own best life while caring for the people you love.
🦋 Benediction
It is my hope for you today that you release the idea that you have to carry your parents' aging alone, or perfectly, or silently. May you start the hard conversations while there is still ease in them, and may you begin from honor: what matters to them, what they want to keep, who they still are.
May you have the courage to ask for help and the wisdom to accept it, knowing that the baller move was never doing it all yourself. And may you protect your own precious life, your spoons, your joy, your people, even in the middle of this season. You are modeling for your children what love looks like. Make it a love that includes you.
 

Back by popular demand: What we give up when caregiving calls
Re-releasing one of the top episodes of Season 1. Listen up!
Can you imagine quitting your job, selling your house, and moving your family with 2 kids back into your childhood home to care for your aging parents?
Hear how one caregiver has spent the last eleven years prioritizing her parents' care. Kirsten takes a deep, thoughtful and humorous dive with her longtime friend, Kathy Merzena, about her caregiving experience. They discuss what it's like to care for two wheelchair-bound parents, making the decision to move in with her aging parents, and the sacrifices made to in the caregiving process.
 
Oh, and finding taxidermied koalas in storage - who may or may not be still moving.
For more inspiration, advice and laughs, follow Who Gets the China? on https://www.whogetsthechina.substack.com  
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation. Rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts so others can find us.
Credits:Produced by Aaron Bryce @ https://www.bluogden.com   Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ https://www.windsandproductions.com Graphic design by Jenn Beam @ https://www.jigawattsstudio.com 

What to do with those trophies in your mom's closet?
 
In this personal essay episode of Who Gets the China?, Kirsten wrestles with a dusty box of old trophies and ribbons—items that feel too meaningful to toss yet too awkward to keep—while sharing memories of childhood summers sailing Blue Jay boats on Long Island Sound with friends, where participation mattered far more than winning.
 
She reflects on how trophies can hold vivid stories and milestones that might otherwise fade. Drawing on Heather Nickerson of the Artifcts app, she offers practical ways to handle trophies:
Curate rather than collect by keeping only one or two favorites,
Capture and share the story through photos and recordings, and
Creatively repurpose or donate extras.
The takeaway is to cherish the memories, not the objects.
00:00 Trophies in the Closet
01:08 A Favorite Sailing Prize
02:13 Summer Racing Memories
03:35 Why Trophies Matter
05:23 Curate Not Collect
06:00 Capture and Share Stories
06:26 Repurpose and Let Go
07:01 Final Takeaways and Goodbye
 
Visit https://artifcts.com/ to learn more and read all about what to do with trophies and other emotionally valuable collectibles in your mom's closet.
 
Please share this episode and rate, review, and subscribe to Who Gets the China? wherever you get your podcasts.
Follow and subscribe to Who Gets the China? on Substack for a bi-weekly email newsletter with information, advice and a little dose of caregiving humor @whogetsthechina.substack.com/
Listen on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts
Watch and subscribe @ www.youtube.com/@WhoGetstheChina
Find all our channels on Podbean
Credits
Produced by Aaron Bryce @ www.bluogden.com/
Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ www.windsandproductions.com
Graphic design by Jenn Beam @jigawattsstudio.com
 
 

Here’s something I should probably disclose upfront: Colleen Attoma-Mathews is one of my dearest friends. She is also a therapist. 
So what happened when I sat her down in front of a microphone to talk about navigating hard conversations with aging parents? She gave me therapy. On tape. For all to hear and learn from. 
And honestly? I needed every minute of it. Grab a coffee or your dog leash and listen up. You'll be so glad you did!
Colleen is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with families navigating cognitive decline and late-in-life transitions. She knows the clinical side of what we’re all dealing with. She also knows the deeply personal side — she has lost both of her own parents, and is currently navigating some of these same conversations with her older brother.  
What I love about this conversation is that it started, as many of our typical conversations do, with me venting about my mom — the card table and chairs in the garage that “we might need if we have a party,” the bamboo garden stakes I tried to sneak past her to the dump, the AM/FM Walkman she is apparently keeping for reasons that remain unclear. And Colleen, being Colleen, gently helped me see that maybe there’s a better way to have some of these challenging conversations. 
The episode is a re-edited, re-release of one of the most popular episodes of Season 1 with LCSW, Colleen Attoma-Mathews.
Colleen Attoma Mathews, LCSW works with couples, families, and individuals navigating cognitive decline, late-in-life transitions, and family caregiving. This episode of Who Gets the China? is available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube.
Connect with Us
Subscribe to Who Gets the China? on Substack for a bi-weekly email newsletter with information, advice and a little dose of caregiving humor @ WhoGetsTheChina.substack.com
Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
Watch on YouTube: youtube.com/@WhoGetstheChina
Email us: info@whogetsthechina.com
 

Overwhelmed by bins, books and boxes of photos? Maybe your mom has piles of negatives from the 50's and 60's? Maybe you have bins of doubles from the 80's and 90's? 
There are solutions!  
In this fun AND useful episode, Kirsten is joined by photo organization expert Miss Freddy, who has helped thousands of families preserve their memories. We cover:
Tackling your physical archive - create 3 piles - we'll explain!
Digital archives - simple tips and tricks for prioritizing and organizing
Scrapbooks - what to do with those personal albums
Backing it all up
 It’s a fun, motivating conversation that will leave you ready to dive in and finally get those family memories organized.
You can learn from her, or hire her to do it for you. Check out https://missfreddy.com/.
Follow Who Gets the China? on whogetsthechina.substack.com 
Please share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation.
Subscribe to support Who Gets the China? and help other people find it. 
Credits:
Produced by Aaron Bryce @ https://www.bluogden.com/ 
Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ https://www.windsandproductions.com/ 
Graphic design by Jenn Beam @ http://www.jigawattsstudio.com/

A Who Gets the China? Mini-Episode:
How lessons learned while navigating the world solo apply to caregiving for aging parents.
Who Gets the China? supports women who are balancing the needs of aging parents and living their own best life. We help you get prepared and take control with advice, community - and some laughter - so you can minimize stress, feel seen and maximize your own well-being.   
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might appreciate it. 
Please follow and give us a 5 star review! 
Want more?
Follow and subscribe to Who Gets the China? on Substack for a bi-weekly email newsletter with information, advice and a little dose of caregiving humor @whogetsthechina.substack.com/
Listen on Apple podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts
Watch and subscribe @ www.youtube.com/@WhoGetstheChina
 
Credits
Created, written and recorded by Kirsten Mau
Produced by Aaron Bryce @ www.bluogden.com/
Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ www.windsandproductions.com
Graphic design by Jenn Beam @jigawattsstudio.com

When is it time to call in reinforcements? This week Kirsten sits down with Julie Butscher, LCSW who specializes in senior mental health to talk about one of the most underused tools in the family caregiver’s toolkit: therapy for older adults. 
From recognizing the signs that a parent is struggling, to navigating the “bootstrap generation’s” resistance to help, to understanding how telehealth has changed the game — this conversation is full of practical wisdom for anyone trying to support an aging parent without losing themselves in the process.
In This Episode
Why mental health issues in older adults can look different from what we expect — and how they’re often mistaken for cognitive decline
How to recognize when an offhand comment from a parent is actually a cry for help in disguise
Why seniors resist assistance — and a smarter way to offer it
The “helicopter daughter” phenomenon: when protecting your parent gets in the way of their independence — and your own sanity
How a therapist can hold space for the conversations your parent won’t have with you — without the family baggage
Why “listen, don’t solve” and “hugs, not help” might be the two most important things you hear today
How telehealth therapy works for seniors — and why it’s easier than you think
What therapists can and can’t share with family members, and how to navigate HIPAA and confidentiality
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us 
Center for Mental Health and Aging: https://www.mentalhealthandaging.com/ 
Find Julie Butscher to set up a 15 minute consultation : https://care.headway.co/providers/julie-butscher
Connect with Us
Subscribe to Who Gets the China? on Substack: whogetsthechina.substack.com
Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
Watch on YouTube: youtube.com/@WhoGetstheChina
Email us: info@whogetsthechina.com
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation. 
Please help us reach more people and rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
 
Credits
Produced by Aaron Bryce @ www.bluogden.com/
Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ www.windsandproductions.com
Graphic design by Jenn Beam @jigawattsstudio.com

Kirsten sits down with caregiver, entrepreneur, and writer, Adrian Chung, to explore the various cultural differences in caring for aging parents, Adrian’s experience of caregiving and organizing from across an ocean, the importance of community, and Adrian’s new organizational tool inspired by his caregiving journey.
 
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Adrian’s Substack “Caregiving, Practically Speaking”: https://substack.com/@caregivingpractically?r=59cxnp&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=stories&shareImageVariant=blur 
Carevation Caregiving App: https://www.carevation.ai/ 
 
Follow Who Gets the China? On Stubstack:
https://www.whogetsthechina.substack.com 
If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation. And don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
 
Credits:
Edited by Aaron Bryce @ https://www.bluogden.com      
Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ https://www.windsandproductions.com        
Graphic design by Jenn Beam @ https://www.jigawattsstudio.com
 

Musician, performer and expert in how music benefits those living with dementia, Anthony Cirillo joins us for a conversation about the cognitive benefits of music. You'll learn how music lights up different parts of the brain, triggers memory and connection and even relives caregivers stress.
Anthony fell into a mission for bringing music to seniors when he started performing in senior communities. He’s transformed that experience into knowledge through his keynote speeches and live stream show. Today, he joins Kirsten to expand on the topic of music as medicine, the benefits of social prescribing, and how a song can guide someone through the end of their life.
To join in on Anthony’s live stream, visit https://sagestream.live/artist/anth-cirillo/
 
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Anthony Cirillo | Sage Stream
Follow Anthony on Substack at https://substack.com/@anthonycirillo
Institute for Music and Neurologic Function
Follow Who Gets the China? and sign up to receive our bi-weekly newsletter at  https://www.whogetsthechina.substack.com        If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation.
And don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
Credits:Produced by Aaron Bryce @ https://www.bluogden.com      Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ https://www.windsandproductions.com        Graphic design by Jenn Beam @ https://www.jigawattsstudio.com 

Kay Adams, LCSW is a speaker, coach, educator, and author. In addition, Kay is a Certified Dementia Consultant and Trainer, and the founder of Compassion Works, LLC which provides individualized dementia coaching, workshops, and educational offerings to families, professional care partners and organizations on a variety of topics related to dementia.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Kay M Adams, Compassion Works LLC – Empowering care ...Compassion Works, LLC https://www.kaymadams.com
Upcoming webinars and workshops https://www.kaymadams.com/workshops/
Follow Who Gets the China? on https://www.whogetsthechina.substack.com       If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might appreciate the conversation. And don’t forget to rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.Credits:Produced by Aaron Bryce @ https://www.bluogden.com     Theme music composed by Greg Fellman @ https://www.windsandproductions.com       Graphic design by Jenn Beam @ https://www.jigawattsstudio.com